As a Mormon I always had a distorted view of those poor souls who left the church or went "inactive." I was made to believe that "apostates" are either wicked, prideful, misguided, or lazy.
The Encyclopedia of Mormonism, published by BYU states, "The most frequent causes of apostasy are failure to maintain strict standards of morality, taking personal offense (real or perceived), marrying someone who is of another faith or who is irreligious, neglecting to pray and maintain spirituality, or misunderstanding of the teachings of the Church." (Encyclopedia of Mormonism: Apostate) The causes of individual apostasy were also the topic in Sunday lessons and church hallway conversations. Some examples from "Teachings of Presidents of the Church: Brigham Young" Chapter 12 include: neglecting to pray, not keeping the sabbath holy, doing anything to lose the holy ghost, lusts of the eye, lusts of the flesh, omission of duty, finding fault with church leaders, being influenced by an evil source, and giving up.
I'm not sure how this list of causes was generated, I'm quite certain it wasn't through discussions with those who have actually experienced what LDS leaders suppose to diagnose. In my own case, and with the former members with whom I have interacted, I find this not at all accurate. I find most who leave were faithful, hard-working members who were no longer able to reconcile the evidence against the church with their feelings.
I was reminded of this topic by private messages I've received over the past several months from a handful of friends, family, and acquaintances who are active LDS and who have read my blog. The content of the messages were all remarkably similar, asking why I "attack" the church, claiming my blog strengthens their faith, and reiterating their remarkably similar testimonies. Another consistent theme was inquiring about the REAL reason I left. I can only suppose because I have not been explicit enough or because the reason I give is not on the list of causes given in Sunday school.
I'm including my response to one of these friends here (removing any identifying remarks) to reiterate the purpose of this blog and to more clearly state what led to my decision to leave the church (and to save time since I've been REALLY bad about writing the last year).
My method of finding out if the church was true did rely on more than spiritual promptings, but the results were not a result of transgression, pride, offense, or laziness.First, thank you for your respect and your compliments on my writing. It is good to know that even if you don’t agree with my message you still understand that it is what I believe and respect me as a person.I apologize I didn’t make it clear why I left the church while we visited a few years back. When I first left the church I was extra sensitive to what I anticipated others’ reactions would be, so I was reluctant or unable to find the words to explain the difficult decision to leave and what led up to that decision. Since then I have come to better understand how to communicate with my friends and family about it and to be more direct. I still find little good comes from the discussion, as others try to “solve” my issues or accuse me of trying to “shake their faith.” So I don’t typically get into the details much, but I’m more than happy to discuss if you’re interested.My reason for leaving the church basically boils down to the fact I do not believe it is true. I don’t believe the Book of Mormon is an inspired book, I don’t believe Joseph Smith spoke to God or that he restored Jesus’ church with his direction. This disbelief was a result of objective research into LDS history and doctrine. It is impossible to pinpoint one specific issue that makes it untrue, but the combination of the evidence against the authenticity of the church was too much for me to ignore. Some of these issues are what I’ve tried to highlight in my blog.We didn’t talk much after high school, so you may not know that I remained incredibly devout while I was in the church. I had a strong testimony and I think I was a model member. However, these beliefs were based on “proofs” that I came to see as unsubstantiated and which I can no longer accept. Of course I had doubts as I grew up (such as the logic behind Moroni’s promise, the concept of faith, contradictions in the scriptures, irregularity of the Holy Ghost, the purpose of prayer, etc) but I was always able to put these on the shelf and ignore them because – as I saw it – the church was true so there must be an explanation for these things, even if I didn’t understand it. This is how I was able to serve my mission for two years, I truly believed with all my heart at the time and I believed it was the only way to eternal happiness. I did not know then what I know now.So that takes me to about 5 years ago, when my doubts started creeping up more often and became more difficult to ignore. I increased my gospel study, with a desire to remove these doubts once and for all and know for certain that the church wasn’t just made up. In addition to the regular church literature I also sought out unbiased sources which were beyond the “church-approved” materials. This is where I found things about the church I never knew before, issues that appeared less favorable for the church. One finding that I recall being an initial shock to my faith was learning that Joseph Smith had communicated several different versions of his first vision over time, versions that were very different and contradicted one another in many ways. The first vision had always been a key part of my faith. I remember that President Hinckley had said that the truth of the church relied on whether that happened or not (http://lds.org/general-conference/1998/04/testimony?lang=eng). I sought apologetic responses to these facts, but could not accept the mental gymnastics these church scholars went through to justify the issue. As I researched more and more the pattern repeated: I found surprising, unsavory details about the church and was unimpressed by the possible explanations. The Foundation for Apologetic Information and Research (FAIR) puts out a wiki responding to their interpretation of criticism of the church, if you’re interested to know more of my specific reasons for leaving in a church-friendly format you may want to browse through the topics there (http://en.fairmormon.org/Topical_guide).This really gets to why I started my blog. My intention is not to prove the church wrong, to tear it apart, or upset friends and family. There are several reasons I continue the blog.I write to defend myself: I have heard several different reasons others believe why I left… I was offended, I was sinning or wanted to sin, I was prideful, I expected too much of leaders, that I was overcome with the devil, etc. I want to show that this was an incredibly difficult decision that was completely justified in my mind.I write to heal: When I came to the conclusion that the church was not true, it was painful. I felt deceived and I felt used. I felt like I lost something dear to me and I felt upset. I had given time, money, and emotions to an organization that was not what I thought it was. It helps to let my feelings out from time to time.I write to share: I want those who are on a similar journey to my own to know they are not alone in their concerns and doubts. Truth should be immune to investigation. I figure a blog is less intrusive than knocking door-to-door.I try to do this in as fair a format as possible by using church-friendly sources where possible and providing a counterargument to my interpretation of the facts. If there are specific areas where my treatment is unfair, please let me know so I can try to correct it.I know very well the disappointment I have caused my family and many friends with my decision. I completely understand the testimony you’ve shared, I was once there as well. I admire your faith and conviction but I ask you the same question I ask many I discuss the church with: If the church WASN’T true, how would you find out?
The video below is a podcast created by John Dehlin (an active Mormon at the time) called "Why People Leave the LDS Church, and what family/friends/community can do about it". While I don't agree with many of the authors conclusions, I do think it is an excellent help in understanding what those who leave truly experience.
And another thing I never knew...that those who leave the church can live incredibly happy, fulfilling lives outside of the church! But maybe that is a whole other post.
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